The World's Worst Jobs - Part 2

In last weeks article, we discussed the fact that the Bible is riddled with jobs that you or I wouldn't want to disclose on our CV's.

In this concluding part to the World's Worst Jobs, we take a look at two more professions that only God could dish out.

Haemorrhoid Curator

A truly bizarre story is told in the 1st book of Samuel. Apparently, the ark of the covenant, which was a sacred relic of the Israelites and was also believed to contain God’s presence (imagine that, God in a box!), was stolen by the Philistines. They brought it back to their land and set it before their God, Dagon. The Philistines kept the ark for seven months. However, unfortunately for the Philistines, keeping the ark had a rather nasty side effect:

And it was so that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction; and He smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had haemorrhoids in their secret parts... And the men who died not were smitten with the haemorrhoids; and the cry of the city went up to heaven. - 1 Samuel 5:9,12

The Bible writer(s) seems to be a master of restating the obvious. For example, the reference to "secret parts" seems to be redundant. Where else would you get haemorrhoids? Likewise, it doesn’t seem necessary to mention that the dead bodies were not afflicted. I think that could have been assumed.

The following question also arises: If the God of Israel had enough power to plague the Philistines with such a terrible ailment, and at the same time saw shares in doughnut pillow manufacturing companies soar, why couldn’t he just have prevented the ark from being stolen and desecrated for seven months? That would have saved a lot of effort for everyone, unless of course, God Holdings Ltd bought stock in a few cushion companies at just the right time?

Now, in every primitive culture, there is a reasonable remedy for every problem. And of course, they found the solution that I’m sure any modern doctor would recommend:

Then said they, "What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him?" They answered, "Five golden haemorrhoids and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines; for one plague was on you all and on your lords. Therefore ye shall make images of your haemorrhoids and images of your mice that mar the land, and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel. Perhaps he will lighten his hand from you and from your gods and from your land. - 1 Samuel 6:4,5 (21 Century King James Version)

The obvious solution to the problem was of course, to sculpt images of the offending haemorrhoids. They also threw in a few golden mice, just for good measure. The intended result? Giving glory to the God of Israel.

Now I’m not sure how they came to the conclusion that God would be honoured by this gift, but to their credit, it seemed to work.

Just so that I know I've completely understood this story, let's recap. There were haemorrhoids. Someone had to sculpt these haemorrhoids and presumably, someone had to model for them, unless they used Plaster of Paris moulds. Wow, that must have been painful for the model.

What about the haemorrhoid artist? I can picture it now:

Fal-eohim: If you are accepted as our new curator, you do realise just how big of a responsibility it will be? The Museum of Reuben prides itself on being the finest in all of the 12 tribes. I also see from your portfolio that you worked on the Philistine Haemorrhoid Collection? Tell me a bit about that.

Picassoshizar: Yes, that was some of my best work, although the models were a pain in the arse to work with.

Temple Testicle Inspector

In the Bible’s judicial code, there are several laws that must have required some
specialised enforcement procedures. For example:

• Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles, as stated in Deuteronomy 23:1. I’m not sure what purpose this served, but that is a discussion for another time. For the moment, let us consider the enforcement issue. If you encountered a person on the street whose testicles were not in complete working order, how would you know? Most people do not publicise this information, unless you're from Brighton, England. The only possible way would be through either voluntary disclosure, which would surely be abused, or some sort of inspection process. Maybe the Vatican took note of this law and decided to act upon it?

• If a couple has sex during the woman’s period, the two are to be cut off from their people, as Leviticus 20:18 so brilliantly puts it. Once again, how would anyone know that this had happened? They certainly aren’t going to tell anyone, surely?

Brad-Mediohim: Levi, is it true that you had a go on Mythilia whilst she was being visited by little red riding hood?

Levi: Yes, it's true. It's so embarrassing mate, for all I wanted was a quickie. Now I'm going to have to be stuck with her while they cut us off.

Brad-Mediohim: You should have known the bollocks inspector would have caught you. Nothing gets past that todger.

Depending on your inclination, this may or may not be a good job.

This also raises the question of consistency. In order for all testicle inspectors to be objective, yet discriminating, it would be necessary for a code of standards to be developed, and testicle inspectors to be accredited and licensed. Undoubtedly, the venerated "TTI" designation would be greatly sought after.

So, here they are folks, the unsung heroes of the Bible, the people who slice off the foreskins, sculpt the hemorrhoids, and handle the unmentionables. These are truly the heroes of the Bible!