The Holy Bible and Science - Part 3

This is how the teachers report on behalf of God currently reads.

Thus far, God has failed in his Astronomy and Biology lessons.

He cannot seem to grasp the simple fact that the earth is a sphere and that it is not flat.

He cannot understand the easy factors of biology either.

If God flunks Physics and Mathematics, he won't be accepted into university and it looks as though he'll be working within the window cleaning business (Jehovah's Witness gag).

Physics according to God

And the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, until the nation took vengeance on their enemies. Is this not written in the book of Jashar? And the sun stood still and did not hurry to set for about a whole day. - Joshua 10:13

The apparent motion of the sun in our sky is actually caused by the rotation of the earth. Do you realise what would happen if the sun "stood still"? The surface of the earth is moving at the rate of just over 1,000 miles per hour at the equator. In order for the sun to appear motionless, we would need to come to a screeching halt, then accelerate rapidly to get back into motion.

The implications of this would be huge. First of all, the laptop on my desk would fly off and crash against the wall or ceiling and it would be while before I could write all these fascinating articles.

Thing is, my broken laptop would be the least of our worries. Imagine that the earth stopped moving. The atmosphere would continue to move, at least until it died down. Visualise the effect of 1,000 mph (1,609 km) winds. By way of comparison, the strongest hurricane ever recorded was Hurricane Camille of 1969, with wind speeds reaching 190 mph (305 km). A tornado can peak at over 300 mph (482 km). Wind speeds of 1,000 mph would have scoured the earth clean of Joshua’s army. In addition to wind, there would certainly be many other implications as well, but it wouldn’t matter, since we’d all be dead, and none of you would have sampled my fine work, which, let's be frank, would be the biggest disaster to have stemmed from God making the sun stand still.

On the subject of physics, God appears to have no understanding of the implications of scale when it comes to surface area and mass (I'll discuss this in more detail in a future article, or you could email me some facts and figures).

Now, the Jehovah's Witness in me has an answer to all of the above. In fact, I can give you a perfect answer as to how God did all things.

Magic!

Now that we've got that monkey off our backs, I'd like to welcome back all the logical readers to their screens so that we can have a proper conversation.

I will say this once and once only. If you believe that God does everything using magic, ergo, not keeping to the laws of physics, biology and the like, that he apparently created in the first place, please leave and don't bother coming back.

Ricky Gervais, whilst speaking to Karl Pilkington, made the following assumption. "The world is full of stupid people". I don't want it to look as though I am poking fun at you, but if you fall into the category of people that believe God could do everything via his Holy Spirit (magic), you fall into the majority group of people unfortunately.

What did God get in his physics examination?

First Name: Jehovah
Last Name: God
Lesson: Physics
Mark: F

Mathematics according to God

And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it about. - 1 Kings 7:23

According to God, the value of pi was 3. God really should have been working with the Greeks, because they knew the real value of pi long before he did.

Every now and then, I go and watch my football team, Tottenham Hotspur, play. White Hart Lane, the stadium in which Spurs (Tottenham Hotspur's nickname) play, draws around 36,000 mad fans to it each and every home game.

Now, imagine if I stood up in the middle of one of these games and made an announcement, do you thing anyone would hear me? Well, it seemed to have worked for Abijah. This guy apparently spoke to 1.2 million people (2 Chronicles 13:3, 4). That’s roughly the population of the state of Hawaii (all islands combined). But, God figured that Abijah could be heard by all those people.

In conclusion, I should mention that the Bible also makes numerous statements that are scientifically correct. For example, it correctly classifies many different types of animals. But then, why shouldn’t it?

The Hebrews were not stupid. My point is that the scientific knowledge displayed in the Bible was right on par with what you would expect from a group of ancient farmers and herdsmen. If anything, God’s scientific knowledge was lower than that of the ancient Greeks, or of my own daughter's.

If the Bible is considered inspired because of its scientific content, then so must the writing of Homer, J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien and especially those of Douglas Adams.

What did God get in his Mathematics examination?

First Name: Jehovah
Last Name: God
Lesson: Mathematics
Mark: F

Expect God Holdings Ltd to make a move in the window cleaner stocks....